either be evil, or give a damn

i watch a lot of documentaries, and i do a lot of reading about world news and current events, from a lot of alternative sources. anyone who knows a little bit about these things knows that things are really difficult to bear, everywhere.  really, really difficult...

and, things in my own city are, as you know....very, very challenging.  i feel like the people here are born naturally with some of the lowest group-iq's that i've ever experienced.  the things i see here are embarrassing to humankind.  and then when i watch a documentary or read something ridiculous, i become ignited.  i get doubly frustrated and i want to start nuking.  

but i know, that's not the kind of person that i'd prefer to be.  i have to pretty much choose to go one way or the other.  either i have to try at all times to be my coolest, or i can be just angry.  pissed about everything stupid that a lot of people are, and become that type of person.  i really don't think there's a whole lot of room for grey. i've tried that, and it doesn't work.  because if i'm going to be pissed, i'm going to be pissed at everyone and every thing.  and if i'm going to hate, i'm going to hate everyone.  and that last part has forced me to put my own foot into my mouth way too many times.   

add-on....
i've brought my gaming life into my digital-life, i'm @miniscatt on twitter, in addition to being @jtwilliams1920

and, my other blog here is, http://therenegadefilmcircuit.blogspot.com/ 

here's my FB fan page, https://www.facebook.com/jtwilliams.org

and my personal site is, www.jtwilliams.org

i'm updating the last one after i leave here, so please check in in a little while, then i'll be done :o)  (5/9/2014)

thanks!  i hope i'll see you around

life=work & life=sacrifice

i'm turning 34 this year.  at the very end of 2013, i had our second son, and at the very beginning of 2014, our first son turned 2.  i've been married a little over 2 years.  

i'm still going through an identity crisis from it all.  i went from being totally carefree, and pretty lazy, and pretty financially well-off to 1000% committed and financially....ok.  not bad at all, but i still get pretty pissed.  we don't use a babysitter at all, and we've never used daycare.  i'm with the boys pretty much all day every day, and really, it's the most exhausting job i've ever had. and i really, really love the little guys.

but what i've learned, is that all of life is a sacrifice.  every inch and ounce of it.  if you drive, you're burning gas and polluting the environment.  if you decide to game it, that's time away doing something else that may be more in efforts towards something that's more financially lucrative.  unless you're a pro-gamer, which i'm thoroughly not.  

if you put all of your time into your work, you sacrifice your relationships with people and your relationship with the earth.  if you have kids, you sacrifice your life.  it's worth it, but you have to sometimes concentrate on the fact that it's worth it. what i mean, is when you're at home taking care of kids, you're not looking or feeling very sexy.  my hair is literally waist-length.  you think i'm wearing it down taking care of these little guys?  you think i'm wearing any jewelry?  lol, hell no.

am i very fashionable at home, no.  i'm cooking and cleaning all day.  literally.  i'm up 2-4 times just between 12am and 7am.  and usually, i'm up at 5am bc of one, and by sunrise the other is up.  my nails are horrible, and my skin is destroyed, temporarily by eczema all over both of my hands.  

this is all a very far cry from kicking it with my friends, spending hours at a coffee shop, or doing anything like those things...

i'm fat, and full of stretch-marks.  that's the trade-off from being preggo 2 times within three years.  i still feel the crazy area in my spine from where the epidural was given.  i'm still traumatized from the actual day i gave birth.  it'll wear off though, it did with mikey after about a year.  

what i'm saying is, be prepared to give some things up when you want other things to happen.  i gave up pizza, chocolate, chips, eating late at night, almond lattes and a ton of other stuff....because, i'm trading my fatness in.  and i'm seeing that i haven't sacrificed enough.  i get it.  i miss my partying lifestyle, but.....mikey and little billy-bean sure are cute.  lol.  how can i expect the world to be any other way, if it's the foundation of our history?  God sacrificed Jesus for us.  and i can see it reflected in everything i watch and see.  sometimes i have to bite my tongue though.  but i do get it.  

i had (another) baby, but no more babyfeeding

it's true!  we had another bambino....so i took a few months off.

but i continued to think and research things since then.  and it's just been more that it ever has been, and my perception about the world is becoming more and more jaded and muted.  

i hold onto the good things and people even tighter now.  most i can't have (what i would consider) a decent conversation with.  i told a person close to me about the 'pollution' on the US's west coast recently, maybe about two days ago.  and their reaction was like i told them nothing, or at least something minor....like, oh, it's going to be cloudy tomorrow.

having two kids and a ton of other stress, i've stopped caring about helping people a little bit.  i've noticed that you have to stuff shit into the mouths of some in order to get them to even start to think about it for themselves, and for them to even begin to understand.  i'm really not into putting that effort in anymore, at least not now.  i'm too exhausted, and i'm just not interested. and i see these things now, as a modern-times version of the survival of the fittest.  the world and your environment will kill you if you don't pay attention and educate yourselves.  that's just common, but not so common, knowledge.  and the ones who don't get at least that are going to (most likely) the first ones to go.  

Saturated in Problems

I'm not sure if it was God's original intention, as some sort of test or interesting addition to it all, it whether it's the work of Satan, or if it's neither and just an illustration of human nature. I think it's human nature.

But everywhere are problems. Insane amounts of pollution and baby girls being given up in China, Africa as a whole is just in pandemic, Europe started it all by fucking with everyone, Fukashima is turning into a gimmick like everything else, India can suck a dick lately, and it's become an extreme embarrassment to be American. I forgot the Middle East. Fuck it, self explanatory for that one. And to branch it to the States, the Nation of Islam and the NAACP need to find an isolated island far away, like in the Bermuda Triangle.

I respect though, the Bermuda Triangle. No one can really tackle the ocean, Jacques Cousteau made it cool looking for a while, but no human on earth or the history of the earth can come close to that five-mile pit that the Bermuda Triangle has going on. Respect. And the wrath of the weather, go play in there and try to be butch about it.

If you want to say FUCK IT more effectively in your life, while you're here, taking notes from the way that the BT operates is almost necessary.

See, everyone is annoying. All of those places mentioned earlier are all exceptionally general. I'm sure there are lots of cool people in each of them. But I never even mentioned the micro of it all. Those idiots you have to see, almost all day, every day of your life. I know here in Atlanta I am absolutely drowning in them. And the countless people who are always in your face, wanting to talk, ask dumb-ass questions, and be stagnant, non-contributors to society....

Tbc

my ego is out of control.

i'm assuming that what needs to be put back into control is my ego.  either that, or i'm needing a gimmie for having some really, really intense pregnancy hormones that are way out of control.  or maybe my surroundings are just getting to me and my mind is weak.  i do think that my mind is weak.

the conversations that i overhear around me are hardly ever ones that i'd ever think were intelligent.  usually, they sound incredibly stupid and silly, and generic.  people talking about how smart they are, their ideas about the world, or whatever. or, like the ones i usually hear in coffee shops, about how much money that they're going to make.  some elaborate scheme, some great idea, but most of the time these ideas just seem like expressions of ego.  they talk about concepts and things that they're going to do.  dressed like overdone trendy people that had some super-excited or overpaid wardrobe head put their hands on them...and their hair.  

and, i think these conversations sound stupid.  and i frequently get the impression that they're talking as so to be heard.  and i'm tired of fat people. and i'm super tired of fat people in motorized wheelchairs.  

i'm tired of over-confidence coming from a 30" weave.  and caterpillar eyelashes.  i'm tired from wearing heels to Target.  and i'm tired of you not even being able to walk in them.  and if you can walk in them, i'm tired from the overconfidence that you get from them.  

and there's more.  but it's not those things that matter, at all!  none of it matters, it's my ego that's messing things up, and making these things matter.  my judgement about all the people and things around me has reached an all-time high.  and i haven't done anything special, as far as projects or work is concerned.  and i'm still fat from my first kiddo, while i'm preggo with #2.  i have no room to be anything! but my mind is getting the best of me.  

my concentration needs to be focused on getting my ego tempered out.  i think about thinking about nothing.  not paying any attention to the obese people who call themselves curvy or thick.  not caring about the ones who can barely speak english properly.  i'm not even caring about that bitch who treats me like shit because of her insecurity from years and years before we even crossed paths.   

so.  to concentrate on my nothingness, and to ignore the many retarded somethings that are all around me.  and just for thinking, i overheard a stupid conversation.  the girl told the guy not to say retarded.  because she took a vow never to say it, because it was hurtful.  but, retarded is a word.  and it's a word that's not only intended to describe someone's mental condition.  i looked it up.  it's actually a great descriptive for many, many things and situations other than a mental handicap.  

sucking yourself

i've had, i think, with becoming consumed with the things in my environment, the regular things, that i'm not happy about.  that i'd rather have disappear forever.  and 100% of what i'm talking about are people!  

namely, the hood-people of atlanta.  it's getting to me, at least it's getting to me way more than i would want it to.  everywhere i go, there's some girl with a 30ft weave with an attitude.  and caterpillar fakie-lashes too.  i go to target by my house, and i get the stink-eye for trying to get help from a group of them because i'm breaking their conversation up.  same day....i'm at waffle house...the whole crew is hood, and the customers aren't, except for two of their friends sitting at the counter.  the whole crew is cussing, talking about sex, making jokes about each other about not having the newest phone, being SUPER LOUD (no exaggeration, seriously), and rude.  only one girl was nice to me.  i asked for a spoon, one girl asked the other, the one who was asked rolled her eyes, and took her dripping-wet hands, grabbed a spoon and handed it, with dirty, soapy water to the other one.  i've seen never-ending craziness here in my city, and i'm sure that mine isn't the only one.  hood is becoming way too acceptable, and i'm over it.  

but, it's not disappearing right now.  or tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever, and for at least a while, until i leave at least, i have to put up with it.  but it's one of the things, in life, that bothers me the absolute most.  i don't think butchered, bad english-speakers should be hired, especially when english is your native language.  i don't think that totally unprofessional behavior should be ok, at all.  and especially not the norm.  

but what do i do?  my mom and my sister tell me just to ignore it.  am i too weak-minded to ignore these things?  i mean, just today, i saw a hoodrat woman, dragging her 2.5 year old daughter out of the store, yelling at her in hood'lish telling her to 'drank yer drank' and yelling at her to 'get in the car' while the other lady, was feeding some totally artificially-colored whatever to the other little girl.  i get in line to go to the atm, and two hoodbitches cut me off in line and just ignore me in a hood way.  i'm just over these people existing.   

everybody is a weirdo

everyday is a weirdo day here in atlanta.  when i go home, there are multiple people sitting on the porch.  they get there in the morning, and they're there into the night.  and most of the time, they just stare at you, and it's awkward.  weirdo moment: you can't mind your own business.  they can't.  they just have no filter to stare, all together, no matter how stupid it looks.

it's made me think, a lot of times, about how a few simple things mastered, and basic society could be raised to an all-time level.  no.  not in some places though.  is it hopeless?  it is up to someone else to solve?  i can't understand it.  some say i can't understand because i've had too broad of a scope in my life.  that these people have never been exposed to anything besides to the things that they know.  and every person that they know is exactly like them.  

but, i see these people with smartphones and i have a feeling that they have internet, and i know that there's a library, with books and internet, within walking distance of our house, and probably lots of other houses, but still no one knows anything?  i could never understand these things.  i really think it's a distinct choice. 

but if they made the choice to be just a little bit better, things would be a lot better off for them.  if your neighborhood is desolate, and everyone around you is desolate too, and things are just bad in general, why haven't more people made the observation that, 'hey, this isn't working...i've gotta try something different'  i mean, wouldn't anything be better?  and isn't it pretty obvious that court costs are expensive, and so are kids....and being in jail sucks, so...why aren't more people saying, 'i'm going to do at least a little bit to avoid these things'.

and then there are the obese.  oh, my parents were big, we're just big boned.  you know that's a myth, right?  what were your parents eating?  unless they were raw vegans, who still obese, there's not much in that.  but, i've never seen that.  most of these people sit all day, eat the worst food, have diabetes (which they also claim is hereditary)and don't exercise.  at all.  ever.  no, they get super fat, and then put themselves into a motorized wheelchair.  can you even imagine how many super-fat people in atlanta i see per day that are in these wheelchairs?  i've never seen more in any other place in my life.  and you'll see them smoking, eating crap and claiming it's their lot in life.  i was in u-haul the other day and the woman pitched a huge fit, she was fat, and her fit was because the elevator was broken.  then she sat in a wheelchair area saying, 'i'm sitting here, i'm handicapped....i'm handicapped' and when she sat she just spreeeeeeeeeeead so far out.  and she was a bitch.  

basic life operations.  mind your own business.  stop 'jonin' that shit is way played out.  stop destroying your own environment, stop claiming its your race that's the thing that's holding you back, espcially when no one can understand your speech, you can't spell and you can't even talk to people properly (on a basic level).  understand, that education isn't about a job, it's about your mind.  stop buying $600 phones every 6 months when you make $7/hr, and are on food stamps and other govt programs.  and you don't do anything besides listen to modern mind-slave music.  stop being so FUCKING LOUD everywhere you go.  and if you can't help yourself, and that's just how you are, then stay in your own hood, shoot.  stay in your own place, and be as loud as you want.  but stop polluting environments that were just fine before you discovered it.  i don't want to hear your shitty music, i don't want to hear how rich you're going to be, i don't want to hear about your coolness.  just shut the fuck up and be cool.