i had (another) baby, but no more babyfeeding

it's true!  we had another bambino....so i took a few months off.

but i continued to think and research things since then.  and it's just been more that it ever has been, and my perception about the world is becoming more and more jaded and muted.  

i hold onto the good things and people even tighter now.  most i can't have (what i would consider) a decent conversation with.  i told a person close to me about the 'pollution' on the US's west coast recently, maybe about two days ago.  and their reaction was like i told them nothing, or at least something minor....like, oh, it's going to be cloudy tomorrow.

having two kids and a ton of other stress, i've stopped caring about helping people a little bit.  i've noticed that you have to stuff shit into the mouths of some in order to get them to even start to think about it for themselves, and for them to even begin to understand.  i'm really not into putting that effort in anymore, at least not now.  i'm too exhausted, and i'm just not interested. and i see these things now, as a modern-times version of the survival of the fittest.  the world and your environment will kill you if you don't pay attention and educate yourselves.  that's just common, but not so common, knowledge.  and the ones who don't get at least that are going to (most likely) the first ones to go.  

my ego is out of control.

i'm assuming that what needs to be put back into control is my ego.  either that, or i'm needing a gimmie for having some really, really intense pregnancy hormones that are way out of control.  or maybe my surroundings are just getting to me and my mind is weak.  i do think that my mind is weak.

the conversations that i overhear around me are hardly ever ones that i'd ever think were intelligent.  usually, they sound incredibly stupid and silly, and generic.  people talking about how smart they are, their ideas about the world, or whatever. or, like the ones i usually hear in coffee shops, about how much money that they're going to make.  some elaborate scheme, some great idea, but most of the time these ideas just seem like expressions of ego.  they talk about concepts and things that they're going to do.  dressed like overdone trendy people that had some super-excited or overpaid wardrobe head put their hands on them...and their hair.  

and, i think these conversations sound stupid.  and i frequently get the impression that they're talking as so to be heard.  and i'm tired of fat people. and i'm super tired of fat people in motorized wheelchairs.  

i'm tired of over-confidence coming from a 30" weave.  and caterpillar eyelashes.  i'm tired from wearing heels to Target.  and i'm tired of you not even being able to walk in them.  and if you can walk in them, i'm tired from the overconfidence that you get from them.  

and there's more.  but it's not those things that matter, at all!  none of it matters, it's my ego that's messing things up, and making these things matter.  my judgement about all the people and things around me has reached an all-time high.  and i haven't done anything special, as far as projects or work is concerned.  and i'm still fat from my first kiddo, while i'm preggo with #2.  i have no room to be anything! but my mind is getting the best of me.  

my concentration needs to be focused on getting my ego tempered out.  i think about thinking about nothing.  not paying any attention to the obese people who call themselves curvy or thick.  not caring about the ones who can barely speak english properly.  i'm not even caring about that bitch who treats me like shit because of her insecurity from years and years before we even crossed paths.   

so.  to concentrate on my nothingness, and to ignore the many retarded somethings that are all around me.  and just for thinking, i overheard a stupid conversation.  the girl told the guy not to say retarded.  because she took a vow never to say it, because it was hurtful.  but, retarded is a word.  and it's a word that's not only intended to describe someone's mental condition.  i looked it up.  it's actually a great descriptive for many, many things and situations other than a mental handicap.