my ego is out of control.

i'm assuming that what needs to be put back into control is my ego.  either that, or i'm needing a gimmie for having some really, really intense pregnancy hormones that are way out of control.  or maybe my surroundings are just getting to me and my mind is weak.  i do think that my mind is weak.

the conversations that i overhear around me are hardly ever ones that i'd ever think were intelligent.  usually, they sound incredibly stupid and silly, and generic.  people talking about how smart they are, their ideas about the world, or whatever. or, like the ones i usually hear in coffee shops, about how much money that they're going to make.  some elaborate scheme, some great idea, but most of the time these ideas just seem like expressions of ego.  they talk about concepts and things that they're going to do.  dressed like overdone trendy people that had some super-excited or overpaid wardrobe head put their hands on them...and their hair.  

and, i think these conversations sound stupid.  and i frequently get the impression that they're talking as so to be heard.  and i'm tired of fat people. and i'm super tired of fat people in motorized wheelchairs.  

i'm tired of over-confidence coming from a 30" weave.  and caterpillar eyelashes.  i'm tired from wearing heels to Target.  and i'm tired of you not even being able to walk in them.  and if you can walk in them, i'm tired from the overconfidence that you get from them.  

and there's more.  but it's not those things that matter, at all!  none of it matters, it's my ego that's messing things up, and making these things matter.  my judgement about all the people and things around me has reached an all-time high.  and i haven't done anything special, as far as projects or work is concerned.  and i'm still fat from my first kiddo, while i'm preggo with #2.  i have no room to be anything! but my mind is getting the best of me.  

my concentration needs to be focused on getting my ego tempered out.  i think about thinking about nothing.  not paying any attention to the obese people who call themselves curvy or thick.  not caring about the ones who can barely speak english properly.  i'm not even caring about that bitch who treats me like shit because of her insecurity from years and years before we even crossed paths.   

so.  to concentrate on my nothingness, and to ignore the many retarded somethings that are all around me.  and just for thinking, i overheard a stupid conversation.  the girl told the guy not to say retarded.  because she took a vow never to say it, because it was hurtful.  but, retarded is a word.  and it's a word that's not only intended to describe someone's mental condition.  i looked it up.  it's actually a great descriptive for many, many things and situations other than a mental handicap.  

sucking yourself

i've had, i think, with becoming consumed with the things in my environment, the regular things, that i'm not happy about.  that i'd rather have disappear forever.  and 100% of what i'm talking about are people!  

namely, the hood-people of atlanta.  it's getting to me, at least it's getting to me way more than i would want it to.  everywhere i go, there's some girl with a 30ft weave with an attitude.  and caterpillar fakie-lashes too.  i go to target by my house, and i get the stink-eye for trying to get help from a group of them because i'm breaking their conversation up.  same day....i'm at waffle house...the whole crew is hood, and the customers aren't, except for two of their friends sitting at the counter.  the whole crew is cussing, talking about sex, making jokes about each other about not having the newest phone, being SUPER LOUD (no exaggeration, seriously), and rude.  only one girl was nice to me.  i asked for a spoon, one girl asked the other, the one who was asked rolled her eyes, and took her dripping-wet hands, grabbed a spoon and handed it, with dirty, soapy water to the other one.  i've seen never-ending craziness here in my city, and i'm sure that mine isn't the only one.  hood is becoming way too acceptable, and i'm over it.  

but, it's not disappearing right now.  or tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever, and for at least a while, until i leave at least, i have to put up with it.  but it's one of the things, in life, that bothers me the absolute most.  i don't think butchered, bad english-speakers should be hired, especially when english is your native language.  i don't think that totally unprofessional behavior should be ok, at all.  and especially not the norm.  

but what do i do?  my mom and my sister tell me just to ignore it.  am i too weak-minded to ignore these things?  i mean, just today, i saw a hoodrat woman, dragging her 2.5 year old daughter out of the store, yelling at her in hood'lish telling her to 'drank yer drank' and yelling at her to 'get in the car' while the other lady, was feeding some totally artificially-colored whatever to the other little girl.  i get in line to go to the atm, and two hoodbitches cut me off in line and just ignore me in a hood way.  i'm just over these people existing.   

everybody is a weirdo

everyday is a weirdo day here in atlanta.  when i go home, there are multiple people sitting on the porch.  they get there in the morning, and they're there into the night.  and most of the time, they just stare at you, and it's awkward.  weirdo moment: you can't mind your own business.  they can't.  they just have no filter to stare, all together, no matter how stupid it looks.

it's made me think, a lot of times, about how a few simple things mastered, and basic society could be raised to an all-time level.  no.  not in some places though.  is it hopeless?  it is up to someone else to solve?  i can't understand it.  some say i can't understand because i've had too broad of a scope in my life.  that these people have never been exposed to anything besides to the things that they know.  and every person that they know is exactly like them.  

but, i see these people with smartphones and i have a feeling that they have internet, and i know that there's a library, with books and internet, within walking distance of our house, and probably lots of other houses, but still no one knows anything?  i could never understand these things.  i really think it's a distinct choice. 

but if they made the choice to be just a little bit better, things would be a lot better off for them.  if your neighborhood is desolate, and everyone around you is desolate too, and things are just bad in general, why haven't more people made the observation that, 'hey, this isn't working...i've gotta try something different'  i mean, wouldn't anything be better?  and isn't it pretty obvious that court costs are expensive, and so are kids....and being in jail sucks, so...why aren't more people saying, 'i'm going to do at least a little bit to avoid these things'.

and then there are the obese.  oh, my parents were big, we're just big boned.  you know that's a myth, right?  what were your parents eating?  unless they were raw vegans, who still obese, there's not much in that.  but, i've never seen that.  most of these people sit all day, eat the worst food, have diabetes (which they also claim is hereditary)and don't exercise.  at all.  ever.  no, they get super fat, and then put themselves into a motorized wheelchair.  can you even imagine how many super-fat people in atlanta i see per day that are in these wheelchairs?  i've never seen more in any other place in my life.  and you'll see them smoking, eating crap and claiming it's their lot in life.  i was in u-haul the other day and the woman pitched a huge fit, she was fat, and her fit was because the elevator was broken.  then she sat in a wheelchair area saying, 'i'm sitting here, i'm handicapped....i'm handicapped' and when she sat she just spreeeeeeeeeeead so far out.  and she was a bitch.  

basic life operations.  mind your own business.  stop 'jonin' that shit is way played out.  stop destroying your own environment, stop claiming its your race that's the thing that's holding you back, espcially when no one can understand your speech, you can't spell and you can't even talk to people properly (on a basic level).  understand, that education isn't about a job, it's about your mind.  stop buying $600 phones every 6 months when you make $7/hr, and are on food stamps and other govt programs.  and you don't do anything besides listen to modern mind-slave music.  stop being so FUCKING LOUD everywhere you go.  and if you can't help yourself, and that's just how you are, then stay in your own hood, shoot.  stay in your own place, and be as loud as you want.  but stop polluting environments that were just fine before you discovered it.  i don't want to hear your shitty music, i don't want to hear how rich you're going to be, i don't want to hear about your coolness.  just shut the fuck up and be cool.  

Hood Life

lately, i've been taken to a relatively foreign part of youtube.  i think it started with skin bleaching in jamaica.  and then that went into videos about black women not being attractive and being the ones who are the most single, and then that went into black hair and so for a week i've been adding these things into my daily rotation of regular youtube videos.  

and you know, i live in atlanta.  and i don't like living here.  half of the reason is because of the weather.  but the other half are some of the people.  the hood people.  i try to ignore, but i'm very affected by my surroundings.  i'm very motivated by them when they're good.  i'm very inspired.  but here, i spend a lot of time noticing and involuntarialy analyzing.  i'd really prefer not to.  

i notice things about the hood community here.  and for the most part, most hood people are black people, and all black people get categorized when it comes to categorizing, but it's not how all black people are.  now, a lot of black people, especially here in the south, sometimes share very similar opinions.  it tends to be the type of black person who only hangs around black people.  only listens to the black radio stations, and only watches all-black casted tv shows and movies.  they consider some things just to be black.  like eating watermelon, grilling, and not swimming or camping.  these people to me get on my nerves.  because they tend to be very, very shallow and small-minded.  i like watermelon, korean people love watermelon.  shoot, everyone i know loves watermelon.  anyways, i went off-track.

sometimes these mind frames are racist themselves.  sometimes against others, and sometimes against themselves.  like when i first got to the south.  no one in my first middle school (we were looking for a house, so we were temporarialy in a different neighborhood in an apartment) no one would be my friend.  they ALL said that i thought i was cute because i looked like a white girl (and i'm not mixed with white), had hair like a white girl and *spoke* like a white girl.  i still overhear these things now.  speaking properly is identified as being white.  having money, is identified as being white. that's not progressive thinking at all.  it's self-degrading and regressive.  

i've spoken to many, many of my black friends and co-workers about these things.  they're black, but not at all hood.  they can't believe how some people in atlanta ever got hired.  another friend, was the manager at a place, and someone else hired a girl.  she came to work with her hair wrapped, kept it like that all day, and when she was getting ready to leave to go to wherever she was going, she then took an hour after work before she left to do her hair.  here in atlanta, i see so many SO MANY black shower caps.  and rollers in the streets, and pajamas in public.  girls have the same walk.  very straight back, tits out, ass out.  i'm telling you, so many hood girls have the same exact walk.  it's very identifiable when you see it.  

and i see people having iphones and samsung galaxies, these are $400-$650 phones.  40 inch weaves, nails, etcetcetc...but i often hear people saying that college is too expensive.  and food is expensive.  i go to the grocery store, and when i see certain people's carts, it's full of instant food, and the most generic food.  stuff that's so so so full of chemicals and terrible, GMO and artifical ingredients.  i went to the hospital, and the majority, the vast majority of people i saw were severely obese black people.  i hear women who are 300 & 400 pounds talk about they're curvy.  i see families, with very young kids, all severely obese. and they say it's genetic.  they say diabetes is genetic.  i see a lot of people copying what they see on tv, and what they hear, but very few doing much to educate themselves about hardly anything.

i even had a friend, a college-educated, bright friend tell me that black people shouldn't be expected to speak proper english because speaking that was is conforming to society.  i have other associate friends who do nothing but write and post and talk all day about 'black life'.  making deals about things that don't make sense.  but i've noticed with people with this mindframe, most are extremely difficult to talk about these things with because many only have one, extremely narrow perspective, the idea that they and people like them are the only right ones, and anything that's said about them that's adverse is racist.  and if you are black with these opinions that counter theirs, then you're a sellout.  an uncle tom.  no matter how backwards and silly, and isolated they sound.  

and then i see people not progressing, but i hear a LOT of conversations about it being because they're black.  i heard the loudest, crudest woman on the train, could barely speak english, complaining about a wage.  then she mentioned to the guy that she was with that she couldn't get a loan because she was black.  i was thinking, no, it's because you're a potential liability.  

i see many things being brought up publicly about black people, because when a large group has a problem, it gets news coverage.  just like the youtube videos about hair, the zimmerman trial.  the zimmerman trial was a backfire.  it became a black thing, when it was about the fla laws.  i hear things about people making a big deal about natural hair, but no one is caring besides the people involved, and these people tend to make it seem like everyone else is the one who's making a big deal about it.

certain groups of black people make big deals about silly things, and want to be heard because it's become the norm to have a sense of entitlement about these things.  like the majority of people being in prison being black.  well, i think they're there because they fucked up.  some, many, many times.   i think many are there because them and many of their community-mates have the same idea that black people aren't worthy of money, that education is silly and for white people.  and that thug-life is the only life.

what about the fucked up music?  you can't tell me that the vast majority isn't about fucking, money, hoes, strippers, stacks, chains and cars.  you can't tell me that the majority of videos are full of naked girls acting like hoes.  one of the things i first noticed about atlanta girls.  many of the hood girls walk, talk, dance and dress just like hoes.  and the guys here act like they have never, ever, ever seen a girl.  i've never been harassed the way i have been here by men.  i've never had girls want to fight me so often.  i've never seen as many shitty attitudes.   i've never lived or been to a place where (black) people are the way they are here.  it happens other places, but this city is seen as a kind of 'black' mecca.  and the reputation of being 'black' hollywood.  this is not black hollywood.  lol...not by far.  

i'm over the excuse of racism.  i think that some black people are the cause of most racism.  i think they cause it for themselves.  i'm not saying that it doesn't exist, but what i am saying is that it becomes such a deal in the communities and it spreads, like mental pollution, that it becomes reborn, over and over again.  

and being diverse doesn't mean that you're less of anything.  it means that you're still you, and learning from anything that's good.  looking to make progress, looking to move forward as humankind.  (some) black people are being left behind, not because they're black, but of the shackle that they put on themselves.  

no room for (sour) cream

lately, there's been a lot of energy on high-force mainly because of the conclusion and verdict of a certain high-profile court case.  i'm not going to mention it, because it's gotten so old to hear it's name, i don't want to.  but you can add up the date of this post with anything that was happening, and know that it's all been a bit annoying.  

but besides that, it's really the discussions that people have been having and their need to be heard.  i understand the need to be heard, i do i do i do....really i do.  i obviously have the need to be heard, i have two blogs, a yt channel, a website, a fb page and a twitter account.  but when i've been reading comments about the world (i'll just call it the world) and having conversations with some individuals, not only about the world but about things in general, and when people have been wanting to have conversations about the world with me, i've noticed that talking to some individuals is a waste of time.  some are so stuck in their own feelings and mentalities, that getting an idea in or having a constructive conversation is pretty much impossible.  i put 'pretty much' in there just for technicality's sake.  like, for the sake of the possibility that one of these conversations could go somewhere. 

but so far, none that i can remember have.  and sometimes i go into things thinking, 'don't do it, don't start because you KNOW that this isn't going to go anywhere.'  but i get involved in some way, usually because the other person keeps plucking like a chicken, away at away, until you get confused, or have hope that the convo could go well, or something like that, and then next thing you know, you're like 30 min in, pseudo-arguing with a wall.  and then you say to yourself, 'crap!  how did i get here??!'

you're not only frustrated about getting involved in that conversation at that time with that person.  but you carry the past frustrations of the other conversations that were similar to it, and add more frustration to them because you're so mad at yourself for getting tangled up again.

so i say, be strong!  and remember some people are stuck in a place of nonsense.  don't try to help, don't try to convince.  keep YOUR peace, because often times, these people are troublemakers, fire-starters, and just argumentative to begin with and they just want to bitch and be heard, even though they never seem to mentally grow or try to be open-minded and progressive.

these are the people who hold others back.  back into their world of bickering, 'i'm right, your wrong', how you feel isn't relative, how i feel is the only way and 'blahblah-undeucated, i'm narrow-minded as hell' bullshit paradise.  when you see these, just put up the imaginary sign of caution.  wrap them in virtual caution tape, and surround them with made up orange cones and save your words for someone with sense.   

Left Behind

I was speaking to an acquaintance friend the other day, and we were talking about why certain people aren't getting ahead, groups of people, communities of people, not getting ahead.  His opinion was that it was the environment of the people that were working against them, that it was society working against them. My opinion was, and is, that sometimes things are harder for certain people.  But,it's often the choices of people, through generations, and throughout communities, that often holds them back.

The choices can be about who they hang around, and what they do with their time.  Whether time is going towards being intelligent and gaining intelligence, or whether it's going to something that's totally detrimental to growth.  But the choices also can be about segregating yourself to those who like you only, and anything else is categorized in some sort of way.  Usually in a negative way.  And then I see people, many, per day, complaining about their situations, calling it racial discrimination, or society being against them.  But I see them not being educated, not working on educating themselves, spending incredible amounts of money on incredibly superficial things that they can hardly afford.  I see this a lot here in Atlanta.  I notice similar things happening in other regions of the world.  Societies at constant war and civil unrest, but societies that are heavily segregated, and oppressive to certain members of that society.

The friend that I was talking to, said that (not me, lol, literally, he said this before he expanded) people often sit on the outside and make judgments about the conditions of people without contributing to their well-being, or helping them in some way.  but i've seen the help that's offered, and i've seen what's done with help, not always, but a lot of the time.  it usually collapses, or gets abused, or it isn't enough.  my belief about this is that it's because the help needs to start in the mind(s) of the 'needy'.  there has to be a decision to be more, and an effort to try.  not an automatic, 'it's hard, because of who i am. and it's always going to be that way.'  those people, who are so stubborn are going to be left behind.  i've already seen it begin in my city, and i've noticed it in other areas of the world.  and it creates strife and heavy friction around them because it's not fitting in with progression.  it's not about needing to be the same, but just being progressive.  if you're slow, and trying, it's good.  if you're slow and saying it's everyone around you that's making you slow, and then giving no effort, it's not good.  it gets annoying, and you start getting in the way.  

--An Apology--

i apologize in advance if i ever offend anyone.  but, this is...tell the man to suck it.  and that includes holding back and conventialism.  i gotta get it out.  and i think it's kind of interesting.  my environment really influences me.  Some places, like LA or Busan, that works really well.  in places in Atlanta, I have to reconfigure my whole outlook because if i allowed my surroundings/city to do the exact same as somewhere like LA, i'd stay really pissed for a long time.  LA=no eczema, no allergies, no hood-life, ocean, mountain, beautiful weather, progressive, interesting people.  ATL=sweaty eczema, a sheet of pollen and scratching my face out 7/12 months of the year, land-locked crazy heat and humidity, backwards hood-life EVERYWHERE....a city of people who didn't get the memo that slavery was over.

And it's not just the black hood-people, although they get on most people's nerves.  not just white or 'other' people, but they annoy us brown people!  believe me.  my black friends have HUGE problems with them.  but, this lady that i was sitting next to, white lady.  her friend comes into the coffee shop, comes over and starts talking to her about a murder that happened yesterday, nearby.  she says, there was a kid shot dead in the street.  the first question from the lady next to me was, 'black kid?' then she starts talking about gangs.  lady, you haven't seen gangs until you've seen LA.  but that's cool.  ignorant stuff from everyone.  and then there are the small pockets of cool people, i live for them in my social life.

PARTIAL: Horses Drinking

i've been thinking a bit....about making horses drink.  sometimes that horse holds on to not drinking, so tightly that it doesn't make sense to the person who has the truth...errrrrrr, the water (???)

Isolation from the LOW IQ

If it seems like people are getting dumber, it's true.

But, it's not their fault.  Subliminal messages, over-medication, toxic food, and intentionally-polluted water are the things that are causing the IQ's of the common public stumble to all-time lows.  Street-sense has turned into thug-life, and that's not all that bright because the thugs are actually believing that the videos are real.  Not thinking that the jet, the Bento, and the 'hoes' are all rented.  And that ice is rented too...believe that.  Believe that most artists are slaves and puppets for their labels.  

You can't tell anyone about how bad chemical fertilizer is, or how pesticides and genetically modified foods are terrible for you.  The lady on the supermarket commercial told me that by shopping there I was making the best decision for my family...and that's the truth!  Little Jimmy has ADD, ADHD, etcetcetc....and fluoride is good for you!  That's why 'they' keep putting it in the water.  You tell these people the truth (and it is the truth) they roll their eyes or any other 'you're crazy' reaction and tell you that 'you're crazy' and maybe even that you believe in some conspiracy theory.  That's what my son's (last) pediatrician said.  

I've already written about the Doctors.  Most are in the same circle as the rest, and may not even be aware of it because of their 'elite' conditioning.

So, about those IQ's.  Don't expect society to grow at the rate at which we should be progressing, together, as a people.  Certain pockets of people are where they need to be, and we help each other out, so we tend to be leaps and bounds beyond the majority who watch BET, MTV and VH1 and believe it all.  They watch the news, and think that it's all there is.  They watch for which celeb is having which baby and how great their lives are (must be?).  Not thinking about the unions some of these people have with 'who'.  

But, the antagonist of this all is....what to do when they keep getting in your way? VERY ANNOYING!  It's hard to tolerate people for extended amounts of time.  You collapse, and then you recover and get up and then it's the same, over and over.  Just now in the cafe', another stuck-up, siddidy Atl bitch.  Sorry.  But she was.  They keep getting in my way!  On the way to work, MARTA (the subway system) is FULL of them.  And their woman-hungry, nasty dudes.  Always in the way.  Staring, commenting. It gets annoying.  Day after day.  And the airport~ FULL of them.  That's all who gets hired.  Almost.  At my job, not like that at all b/c of a massive amount of qualifications and training and standard.  But most places, hood-life.  All the way.  Most have some of the worst attitudes I've ever seen.  Some of my coworkers have brought it up before. The theory is that they (the airport) hire people from around the area that the airport is in because there's a better chance that they'll make it to work vs someone who lives further away.  

My coworkers (all races now, believe that) have had the same experiences I do.  I talk to a couple of how they handle it.  One dude, righteous bro, said, that you have to relate to them and try to understand.  My husband says the same thing.  You have to try to understand where they're coming from, and that most have never seen anything else.  But I'm tired of trying to relate.  This issue was a HUGE reason that I moved from Atlanta.  I think the whole hood-life culture is outdated and holding communities back.  But that's another article.  Maybe I've even already written it.  I don't even remember.

But, so.  How to isolate from this?  An anti-climatic note I've written today, and I'm sorry.  I guess I'm asking for help.  For an opinion that'll help me, because trying to relate only helps me for a short period of time.  Stuck up heads of 36-40" weave, rolling their eyes and popping their gum (literally, I have to move trains a LOT because of this) and talking SO LOUD always seems to get to me.  I heard a girl yell the other day, "Naw, I ain't movin' trains...we fought TOO HARD to make it from the back." But didn't we fight too hard to have you mess it up with your friends who are making my ears ring?  Someone help me out.  

Can't Make a Horse Drink.

I saw a post on a pregnancy-type site that I frequent, a signature that went along with someone's post. 'I have a black president with bronze boobies' The bronze boobies are about how long she's been breast feeding. She was black, I'm guessing full-black, not mixed with anything I suppose.

It's something that people do. Not very accurate, very slave-like. One drop rule stuff. Even though President Obama is at least one-half something totally not black. Same as what they do with Halle Berry, a full 50% not black.  Bob Marley...50% black Jamaican, 50% white. Not to denounce, but just be accurate. And not to forget, and to not be insulting to this other full half of to-be-rightfully-claimed heritage.

I know about it. I've had people try to tell me what I am my whole life. Trying to force me into their little one-drop world. And I'm like, ' what about this whoooooole, huge part, this huge half of my family over here? Slave times are over right? I don't have to count as part of massah's property stat anymore,right?'

When I saw that woman's signature, I wanted to make a completely off-subject post, just on her innaccuracy.

Just like I always want to correct and re-educate people. Not to agree with me, but just to get things right. Basically right, fundamentally correct. But you can't force people out of ignorance.

Even in my ignorance, in recent and past times, I had to get myself out.  Through my own research and my own observations. Even when truths were given, bluntly and blatently. I still had to make sure I believed, not just accepted.

I want the world to be accurate, but I've let go of trying to convince. I've re-dedicated my energy towards those who are, not those who accept being lost.